Shanti

When it was recently suggested that I had the core muscles of a marshmallow, I decided it was time to find an exercise regimen that aimed to strengthen my muscles without actually causing death, to regain some flexibility without snapping any major muscle groups and perchance to lose a kilo or two in the process.

Let me hastily say that I'm not looking to enter Mrs Universe (pensioner division) or do triple salto flick flacks down the passage. I just want to be able to do some gardening without my knees locking so that I'm forced to roll over like a stunned Christmas beetle, then perform the ‘Rock and roll upsa-daisy” manoeuvre and then stagger like Quasimodo for a couple of meters until my knees unlock and I can walk upright again. Entertaining for the neighbours, yes; embarrassing for a teenage child, definitely; undignified, sure.

So I asked around and the answer seemed to be yoga. Nice people, great music, some humming, the odd leg in the air (core training) and incense. So I signed up for a beginner’s class with the lovely Bagua. Lithe, toned and vegetarian she inspired confidence and radiated tranquillity and so, it was without a trace of fear, that I got a mat and sat down.

Luckily we didn't sit in the Reposing Lotus too long otherwise lock-knee would have prevented me from being able to get up to start my asana (hindi for torture). We started with an ‘easy’ Warrior 1 pose and it soon became evident that my balance wasn't that hot. I wobbled my way into Hashtumagatasana (who I thought was a Sri Lankan fast bowler, but clearly not) and then into the Bananainpajhama when I unintentionally fell into a Downward Facing Dog (Adhonwanna Dothis Aneemor). More surprised than hurt, I soon discovered that where my wrists should have been, were some soggy bits of papier mâché.

I lasted about 15 seconds before I had to collapse in an untidy heap (toes not flexed). Sweetly Bagua mentioned that we should only do what we were comfortable with and after another ten minutes it became painfully clear to me that I would have felt more comfortable sitting on the sofa with a cup of coffee.

I managed to bumble my way the rest of my class and I swore at one point that I saw Bagua's eyes roll backwards in her head. However, I think it had less to do with attaining Nirvana than the total horror of realizing she had to deal with me for the next few months.