Please make a U-turn

Seeing as though maintenance is an optional extra in many Joburg municipalities, I recently downloaded Waze – an app that helps you navigate your way through the potholed and oft-nameless streets to ‘arrive safely at your destination’.

As a technologically challenged person I only did it because I now have to drive with long-distance eyes, which means I can’t read the piece of paper upon which the directions are written because I need my short-distance eyes to do that and the whole thing was getting, well, darn-right dangerous.

I chose the male, English voice and named him Henry. He guides me in calm, measured tones through suburbs I never knew existed to shave a minute or two off my hour-long commute to work – and I love him dearly for it.

The other day as I was proceeding dutifully down the Beyers Nord (Naudé is beyond Henry’s ken and don’t get him started on Hans Schoeman or Weltevreden Park), I wondered how Henry would cope in a taxi. Given that he’s an app, he would be programmed to stay calm and measured no matter what was going on. But, if Henry was enhanced with artificial intelligence, things may sound a little different.

Once the address had had been entered, the opening remark: “Let’s get started, drive safely” would, no doubt, be met with roars of laughter by passengers as the driver made a U-turn into oncoming traffic.

“After 500 metres… keep left onto… good god man you appear to be on the pavement. Exit the pavement and proceed cautiously into the left lane… or right lane… any lane, just pick one.”

Once the driver was back in the lane of his choosing, there is a chance that things would continue well for a few metres… “Yield at the intersection…” until the driver, seeing a gap where none existed, would be greeted by, “Omigod… omigod… have you taken leave of your senses man – you are on the wrong side of the road. Stop immediately and make a U-turn… or at the very least slow down to 150kph… please for the love of … recalculating…”

Once the taxi had pushed its way back into the traffic causing a screeching of brakes and no amount of bad language, the driver would head to ‘Mallybongway Drive’ at which point Henry would say, “in 300 metres turn right … I said 300 metres… not now… recalculating… in 400 metres turn left into… the road, you git… the road… recalculating…”

When he was able to speak between screams, Henry would offer the driver useful information, for example, “Speed trap in 200m” or “Stationary car ahead”. There’s even an option where you can add your own hazard, such as a broken robot or accident, each with its own icon. I’m still waiting, however, for them to update the icons to include ones for aggressive hanger salesman, terrifying clown and relentless window washer.