In my next life I’m sure I’ll enjoy cooking. That’s because I’ll have
married a rich person who can afford all the ingredients required to cook
awesome food. And the cost of a 3-star Michelin chef to have at my beck and
call.
My cooking style has been labelled ‘nouveau single mom’ and is usually a
scintillating fusion of ‘viande du porc avec le potatoes mashed with a jus of
packet gravy’. Although I do remember that one night I whipped up a pretty good
chicken stirfry. I think the Saturn was in retrograde or something but I was certainly
never able to replicate it.
There were evenings when, as I served dinner to my daughter, I really
felt quite sorry for her and fully understood why she liked to have dinner at
my sister’s house so much. However, I
have to admit that, as hormones kicked in, my cooking would reflect the way she
behaved (or didn’t) so it devolved into a kind of revenge cuisine. I’m only
joking, I’d never been that mean. I mean, I didn’t actually set out to cook badly
– it comes naturally – but I was just less apologetic when I did.
Now weirdly and in a strange twist of fate (Saturn had moved into the
seventh quadrant) I’ve become a keen watcher of Masterchef Australia. I don’t understand a lot of what they’re doing,
what they’re doing it with, and have no actual interest in wanting to try, but
it’s somehow fascinating. Like a mongoose and a snake fascinating.
The show is generally on while I’m cooking, which means that, while Gary
is yelling, ‘Come on, come on, cook from your heart – you’ve only got 3 minutes
to go’ and the poor little mongooses are yelling, ‘Yes chef’, I’m rustling up
my 2-minute noodle surprise. And it’s then that I wonder what they’d say if
they could see what was happening on my stove.
Matt (sliding a look of unfeigned disgust to Gary): “Well, this is
interesting!”
George: “I love the way she’s deconstructed the meal in such a way that
it looks like an explosion on the plate. I don’t think our theme was ‘Downtown
Damascus’ was it, Matt?”
Matt: “No and, my god, and I think she’s used every utensil in the house
to make the dish. It’s actually quite impressive really.”
Gary: “I’ll give her points for not over cooking the noodles but that’s
about all. I mean, tuna and marmite. That’s bold.”
George (gagging slightly): “A real statement.”
Don’t get me wrong – I love delicious food. And if you’re ever in the
kitchen with me, you can ask me to chop a carrot or an onion but please just
don’t ask me to cook it.
