Unfit Diaries 5

Okay, so I can't say that over the past two weeks the people at the swimming pool have become bored by watching swim up and down lane 2. However, in my time off I have come up with a cunning plan to speed up my training.

You know how extreme athletes prepare themselves physically for their walk to the North Pole (in winter, blindfolded, wearing only a thermal thong and with a stale Energy bar for sustenance) by tying tractor tyres to themselves and walking up and down parking lots?  Apparently it builds strength, endurance and a tolerance for stupidity.  

Anyway, as tractor tyres have been banned by the short-sighted gym management and pool noodles aren't classified as weapons of mass weight loss, my plan is to let all my leg and armpit hair grow. 'How will this help' I hear you cry.  Well, I've figured out that the excess hair would increase the drag coefficient by at least 0.15% (0.20% if I plait it) making me a positive barracuda in the water once it's all shaved off.

The pro is that no-one will want to share a lane with the abominable swim woman; the con is that my invitation for the 2013 FHM swimsuit edition will probably be rescinded.