Unfit Diaries (in full colour)

I got this card from the friend who suggested the Turkish swimathon-come-birthday celebration.

I'm definitely in the General Bewilderment category and may well slide into the Close to Death one, once Adolph has her way with me on Wednesday.

Yes folks, she's back from her course and various horrors and sent me a message saying, "Eat a good lunch and some fruit before. Be in the water at 6."

I confess to being just a teeny bit scared.

Unfit Diaries - 7

I don't know if it was my complete lack of swimming ability or my interesting experiments in hair-o-dynamics but my coach abandoned me to pursue her own glory. I tried not to take it too personally as she walked off, leaving my dripping slightly in my costume showing serious signs of chlorine corrosion.

Knowing that I had to bring my hamstrings into existence, I complemented my swimming with some cycling and rowing. It was quite good to mix things up a bit on land although I found that my stupid knees didn't like it too much and my whimpering disturbed people next to me.

My swimming was coming along okay, my pace was slow but steady but my kicking left lots to be desired. Ever the rebel, I still hadn't bought fins, because I was determined to do kicking with feet. I pushed off from the wall and once that momentum faded away, I soon discovered that my size sixes were not going to get me anywhere.

I think my first length took 15 minutes and I could swear I heard clapping from the cyclists above me. The next lap was no better really but I decided to make the most of the pace by looking for things in the water - and it wasn't pretty.

I don't know if any of you dear readers (hi Sabine) remember that Kevin Costner movie 'Waterworld'? Set in a world where there was no land, man had learned to survive on  floating islands built out of flotsam and jetsam.I think Kevin got the ideas for the bizarre structures from the things he saw in his pool.  Frankly, it's a bit disgusting.  There are translucent floaties, green squidgies, a lint collection from the inside of a nearby laundomat's tumbledryers and some things that don't bear thinking about.

Not being one to quit, I steadily swam up and down but as I turned round (I still can't do tumbleturns) to start my last length, I noticed a couple of tough looking algae thugs hanging about at the start of the lane markers, pointing at me. One challenged me to a race. I drowned out their laughing by blowing bubbles out of my bum.

However, my humiliation wasn't over yet. With one month to go, a photograph of me in  my now completely shapeless and sagging costume was infiltrated into Turkish swimming circles. The rioting made world headlines and gave me a bad dose of the flu.

I've been off swimming this week while my lungs clear up. After all, I don't want to be accused of adding lung oysters to the list of disgusting pool detritus, but like Mr Schwartzenegger, I'll be back.