The Unfit Diaries 3

The day dawned for my first half-hour swim.  I decided to give up trying to count lengths because, no matter how hard I tried, I kept losing count - even if I counted with each stroke:
1st length:  "1,1,1,1,"
2nd length: "2,2,2,2,"
3rd length:  "3,3,3,3" (squirrel) 3 (or is it 4?) 3,3"
4th length:  "4,4,4 (should I have a wrap for lunch?) 5,5 or was it 4?"
5th length:  "6,6,7,5, (what is that green thing?) 9,9,9,10."

Eventually I gave up counting and wondered what the people riding the stationary bikes above me were thinking: ("Why is she wearing shorts?" / "I've seen more elegant water buffaloes.") because I figured the Med doesn't want me to swim lengths. All I have to do is stay on top of the water making the odd splashy sound for a couple of hours.

So there I am all psyched up. Cap on (on 4 attempts), goggles on (new), protein shake ready - but what's this - a person coming to take the last open lane. I jump in to take it quickly but forget to hold my nose and end up with a chlorine and algae nasal enema that reaches my frontal lobe. I try and look aloof with water streaming down out of my nose and set off.

Two freestyle; two breaststroke; two backstroke (my isn't that an interesting rivet pattern my dear?), two freestyle, two breaststroke.  Look at the watch 7 mins - are you kidding?  I relieve the boredom I get one of those kicking boards.

I do some froggy legs there and back and then try normal kicky legs. I soon discover that there is a bandaid moving faster than I am.  I must be doing it wrong. It's also hell of difficult to breathe. I sense a muscle spasm forming in my neck and revert to froggy legs - after all the pool closes at 8pm.

I used to get irritated with the little kids jumping and larking about but after what feels like 5 000 lengths (unofficial count) and now that I'm doing less of breast and more of stroke, I'm hoping one will bomb on to my head and render me senseless, whereupon an employee will drag me out of the pool and give me oxygen. And a berry smoothie.